As a parent, it can be an incredibly helpless experience to watch your child struggle with anxiety – especially when they don’t seem motivated to work on it.

There are many reasons why children are not always eager to address their anxiety or OCD, outlined below:

Developmental Insight: Children often don’t fully grasp how safety behaviors or compulsions in response to their anxious thoughts are unhelpful. The younger they are, the more challenging it can be for some kids to foster this insight.

Fear of Letting Go: Kids may not yet see the benefits of reducing their compulsions. They might not believe that they are capable of handling the stress that comes with changing their rituals so that their future self can become less anxious.

Developing Coping Skills: Children are still building their toolbox of coping strategies. Tackling anxiety—which is challenging even for adults—can feel especially daunting for them.

One of the most important steps in managing childhood anxiety is reducing the safety behaviors and compulsions that are done in response to anxious feelings.

These compulsions—whether they take the form of rituals, avoidance, or seeking reassurance—keep anxiety alive and well. In order to help children reduce their anxiety, they need to learn that the ways to reduce long-term anxiety are as follows:

Approach feared situations (learning they can do brave things),

Step out of their comfort zone (building confidence), and

Understand that even if bad things happen, they are able to handle it.

For instance, if your child experiences anxiety about separation from you, they might ask you the same questions repeatedly about your plans. Answering those questions may seem helpful in the moment, but over time, it can make the anxiety grow stronger. The more reassurance they get, the more they feel the need to ask, and the cycle continues.

It’s completely natural to want to protect your child from distress by giving in to these requests.

Seeing your child struggle can be one of the hardest things to face. But here’s where your strength as a parent comes in—by gently shifting your approach, you can help them learn to manage their anxiety long-term, as opposed to playing whack-a-mole with your child’s anxiety on a daily basis.

While it may be tempting to offer reassurance or allow them to avoid certain situations to bring relief, research shows that this can actually fuel anxiety in the long run.

When you step in less and allow your child to face their fears, you give them the opportunity to learn that many of the things they’re anxious about aren’t as scary as they seem.

A child who fears vomiting might avoid car rides, certain foods, or even friends who have been sick. But when they avoid these things, they miss out on learning that they can handle uncomfortable feelings, and that those fears might not come true after all.

With the right support, your child can develop resilience to handle whatever life throws their way—instead of making their lives smaller by avoiding situations that may (or may not!) happen.

Even if your child isn’t ready to dive into treatment, there are still some powerful steps that you can take as a parent.

Research highlights the effectiveness of a program called SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), which focuses on your role in reducing accommodation and reassurance.

This program doesn’t require your child to change their behaviors right away—instead, it helps you adjust how you respond, creating a ripple effect of positive change.

The goal is to teach children that they can cope with anxiety and that it’s okay to feel anxious sometimes. When you model this mindset, it sends a powerful message: “This is hard for me too, but I know I can cope because it’s in your best interest.” Your persistence can be transformative.

As you gradually reduce accommodations, your child will start to develop and grow their coping ability, and their anxiety will decrease.

This is because they will have the chance to face their anxiety head-on; use their own problem-solving skills to manage it; learn that they are capable of handling it; and that even if something bad does happen, it often is not as bad as what they fear.

Most importantly, your child gets to learn that anxiety itself is not dangerous – it is uncomfortable. There is a big difference!

It’s important to loop your child into the process by calmly explaining why you’re making these changes, when they’ll start, and how you’ll adjust things over time.

While they might not be on board right away, trust that your efforts are setting the stage for long-term progress. As they experiences success and reduced anxiety, they will come to understand the benefits of the approach you’re taking.

Think of it like learning to ride a bike. First, they use training wheels, and eventually, they’ll take them off. There will be a few falls along the way, but each fall is a learning experience that helps them build the skills and confidence to ride on their own. Learning to manage anxiety and get stronger in the face of these challenges is exactly the same concept. It will get harder before it gets better.

This process is slow and steady. You don’t need to eliminate all accommodations at once—start with small, manageable steps.

As you scale back on accommodating their anxiety, increase your support by offering validation and encouragement.

Acknowledge their feelings: “I know you’re feeling really anxious right now, and I understand that this is hard.” Pair it with reassurance: “I believe in you 100%. You can handle this.”

The steps outlined in SPACE treatment are not just about helping your child manage their anxiety on a day-to-day basis—they are are ultimately about empowering our kids to thrive and grow into well-adjusted adults.

If you are a parent and want to learn more about the SPACE program, you can visit https://www.spacetreatment.net/ or check out “Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents” by Eli Lebowitz https://a.co/d/gsZo3t8

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Barb Shepard is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, OCD and Anxiety Specialist, and Sober Curious advocate in Syracuse, New York. Any content on my website or blog is a not substitute for therapy and is for educational purposes only. I cannot provide tailored therapeutic advice unless you are a therapy client. Reading this blog or listening to audio content does not constitute a therapeutic relationship. If you are seeking therapy, visit psychologytoday.com. If you are in crisis, dial 911 or visit your local emergency room.